 The media would have you believe that Christmas and the holiday season is all about little kids opening up presents on Christmas Eve. For those who have lost a loved one, the first Christmas without your family member, friend, or other beloved –is bittersweet at best. Thoughts of making Christmas preparations is barely tolerable for many people. After all, we are supposed to be happy at Christmas; aren‘t we?
Regardless of ones age or stage in life, losing your mother, father, or other close family member or loved one, is something you are never prepared for (even when you think you are). My mother died a little over 3 months ago, my brother (only sibling) two years ago and my father passed long ago. Because I have a child and husband to care for, my American culture expects me to ?bounce back? after just a few months of my mother‘s death, and not have any attachment to her passing. Yet I do….
Depression (feeling sad) is a part of mourning. Mourning is normal and necessary. Without mourning, you can become stuck in the sadness and depression of your loss. Mourning is defined as grief for the loss of something (or someone) significant to your life; your health, a relationship, a way of life unexpectedly taken from you, or a loved, significant, or important person.
Mourning is a process of emotional acceptance of the loss from that person, place, or thing, which changed your life forever. It helps free you emotionally so you can find ways to move on; regain your emotional balance, and eventually find happiness again. A formal period of mourning for one year following a death is common in many cultures. David Mutton, Senior Lecturer, Forensic Psychology, University of Western Sydney, Australia, explains why that first year is so significant. "The first year following a loved one's death is particularly hard because it includes all the significant milestones that would normally be observed such as the deceased's birthday, Christmas, Father's or Mother's day, wedding anniversary, and then the anniversary of the death itself. Feelings seem to return at a greater intensity at those key times. The end of one year is significant because they have gone through all the rough patches and, in the following year, these occasions won't be so emotionally profound." For more groups go to: www.deathonline.net/remembering/mourning/index.cfm
1. Acknowledge that you miss them, and don‘t apologize to yourself or the world for it.
2. Give yourself permission to allow yourself to mourn for how ever long a time period you need. Don‘t ignore, or try to run away from your pain. Expect your first year to be especially challenging.
3. If at all possible, try to limit changes in your life for one year,such a moving to a new home, or moving across the country. Pace yourself. If you feel exhausted; rest.
4. Talk to a trusted, non-judgmental friend, and/or make a weekly date with them for coffee or just to take a walk. Sometimes you will not want to talk about anything; but just hanging out with a compassionate person will ease your pain and help you not to feel so isolated and alone.
5. Listen to music that moves your soul, gives you peace, or gets your toes tapping.
6. Breathe deeply every day.Meditate. Try yoga. Walk your dog. (Walk a friend‘s dog!) Hug a tree. Just get out of the house every day –even if it is only for ½ hour.
7. Find a support group.Sharing time with people, who are going through what you are going through, makes your journey through pain a little easier to bear.
8. Remind yourself that this holiday (Christmas, Hanukkah, New Years, etc.) will pass; and the next will be better.The following is a sample list of groups in Colorado that focus primarily upon grief and loss. (Check online for grief and loss support groups in your area.)
Boulder Ongoing Drop-In Grief Support Group –Boulder and Broomfield CountiesGeneral group support for anyone who has suffered a death loss. Call Barbara Raines at (303) 447-8060
Grief Support Group: Surviving the Death of a Loved One -Daytime and evening groups.To register please call (303).403-3603
Newly Bereaved Support Group –Hospice of Metro DenverA four-week, time-limited support group for adults who have lost a family member in the last 3-4 months.425 S. Cherry Street in Denver, Suite 700(303) 321-2828
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