7 Simple Successful Negotiation Steps

By Michele Carlson, M.A.

When you have conflict with a friend, coworker, or family member first ask yourself how important is this issue to me? Is necessary to “have it out” with at that moment or can you give yourself some time to calm down and speak to them privately? Making decisions about these before getting into a heated discussion can save you conflict, and help you gather your thoughts while venting your emotions.

Find a time to talk with the person with whom you are in conflict. What is it that you’re disputing? Is it that your roommate broke the television remote or do you feel your roommate’s messy style impedes on your home relaxation? The other person may think you are arguing about the state of your relationship, while you are arguing over whether or not they took your power tools. The only way to negotiate a mutually beneficial agreement is to communicate openly with the person with whom you are in conflict. These seven simple steps can help give you a proven process for having those difficult discussions, and coming to workable solutions.

1. Decide on Ground Rules. Decide on some basic rules for your negotiation discussion. General rules include; No name calling. No personal attacks. Focus on the problem, not the person. Create a safe environment to have this conversation. Commitments made will be kept. Listen to understand. Listen without judgment. Allow each person to speak one at a time. Focus on one problem at a time. Show respect for one another. (If needed, have a mediator present. Allow for time for outside consultation if needed before agreement to solutions.)

Before your meeting, I suggest writing down some of your thoughts about your needs, and your alternatives to an agreement. Write down your Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement (BATNA) and Worst Alternatives to a Negotiated Agreement (WATNA) (Fisher, Ury, And Patton, 1991). What is the best or worst that can happen if no agreement is come to? What are your needs? Not your wants, your needs. (For more information about BATNA and WATNA read Fisher, Ury and Patton’s book, Getting to Yes.)

2. What is the Problem? Work together to define the problem, many times each person is arguing over something different than the other. What are your needs? (Not your wants, your needs. For example, you need a home where you feel safe, and your roommate needs a home where he/she feels comfortable – so you both need to work out a solution to when the doors and windows remain open and unlocked, and when they remain closed and locked.)

3. Brainstorm Without Judgment. Generate Options for Solution. Think of as many solutions as you can without judging them as you go along. It is easiest to do this if you use a dry erase board or pen and paper and, sitting next to your roommate/friend/family member, write out the problem that you have, and write out all the solutions the two of you can think of.

4. Review Your Solution Options. Discuss with the other person the list you made; eliminate options that will absolutely not work. Discuss the remaining options which could possibly work. (Take time to discuss with outside people if needed and return to the negotiation table as soon as possible.)

5. Choose a S.M.A.R.T. Solution – Simple, Manageable, Applicable, Reasonable, and Timely. Choose a solution which is simple to understand, manageable to do, applicable to the situation or conflict at hand, reasonable (actually something each party can do), and timely. It is important to choose an agreement that is understandable, doable, addresses the needs of both people, and is done in a timely manner. Ask yourselves, how will we know when we are done? How will we deal with this problem if it arises again?

If you are having a difficult time with this step, I suggest making an agreement that is “tried out” for two weeks, or a short period of time, then revisit with the other person and repeat the negotiation process to see what parts of the solution worked, and what could be done in place of parts that were not successful.

6. Write Your Agreement Down and Sign It. This helps to solidify each person’s dedication to the solution as well as keeps the agreement clear. Be sure to write down clear and simple steps that each person can do (so you will know when the agreement has been met).

7. Keep to the agreement. Do YOUR part. Follow up with the other person a few weeks or month (whatever time you agreed to in the agreement) and discuss how the agreement is working or what needs to be improved.

These simple steps can help you discuss the conflict and come to mutually beneficial solutions. Remember, negotiation can be difficult, but the positive changes it can bring about are well worth the effort!

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7 Simple Successful Negotiation Steps