 Like babies being born every few minutes, angry arguments can erupt anytime in the world among people and nations. At it's worst, anger is destructive, hateful rage leading to wars and murders. At it's best, anger presents growth opportunities to learn to resolve conflicts that bring people together in cooperation and harmony. For some people, however, anger becomes a "gray" void making it difficult to distinguish between a healthy expression of anger and a toxic abusive reaction.
One might wonder about a a pair of verbally fighting 8 year olds calling each other names and blaming each other for a certain situation. What the kids are doing certainly is not right, but would not they be too young and naive to be abusive? If one heard the same words being played out between 2 adults, particularly a husband and wife, they are not too young and naive. Nonetheless, the couple may simply say they were angry, but are not any more and are in the process of forgiving and potentially forgetting. One wonders was this couple immature in expressing their anger or truly abusive?
To answer these perplexing questions, we need to begin with a definition of anger, a natural response that is integral to everyone no matter what ethnic race and culture we may belong too. Counselor Lynette Hoy defines anger as "An aversive state ranging from annoyance to rage with strong feelings of displeasure, antagonism, or indignation. It's an automatic reaction to any real or imagined insult, frustration, or injustice." We can get mad at anything; oneself, God, others, unmet goals and needs, particular situations or events. We feel anger when humiliated or when someone discourteously breaks a rule. "How DARE he butt into the front of the line like that! He needs to stay back here and take his turn like everyone else!" Other counselors define anger as, "a response to things not happening the way we expect them to go--or want them too." A disgruntled boss tells his partner, "This business is a WASTE of MY TIME! It's been a year and we're hardly making any money we need to make and are now facing bankruptcy!"
In its healthy state, anger motivates us to take charge and restore a the balance of right and wrong. We become assertive in defending our integrity and self-respect rather then allowing someone to verbally tramp all over us. Anger only becomes a problem when it 1. It lasts too long like for hours. 2. It is too intense. 3. It leads to aggression like shoving, hitting, or throwing objects. 4. It disturbs work and relationships.
According to counselor Hoy, "Abuse is a pattern of threats, intimidation, isolation or economic power used by one person to exert power and control over another person in dating, family and household relationships. One person believes they are entitled to control another." If this sounds like slavery, it is. It is always a problem and is always a crime. In abuse, anger and particularly rage, are weapons to control another person's life.
Part 2 of this article offers a "Tip Table" to tell the difference between anger and abuse.
In summarizing Part 1 of this article, Lynette Hoy, a counselor, defined anger as an "aversive state ranging from annoyance to rage, a strong feeling of displeasure, antagonism or indignation, an automatic reaction to any real or imagined insult, frustration, or injustice." Simply put, anger is a barometer with the pin-prick of annoyance at the bottom and intense rage at the top. Anger has healthy expressions that protect people's sense of self, integrity and dignity. It voices unmet goals and unmet needs. It quickly draws attention to conflicts that need assertiveness, problem solving, negotiation, conflict management and empathy.
Abuse is often a rage reaction that becomes a "pattern of threats, intimidation, isolation and economic power used by one person to exert power and control over another person. One person believes they are entitled to control another." This is slavery when one person seeks to control another person's life through dictating their behavior. Abuse is always a crime and never healthy. Anger can become a problem when it is "too frequent, too intense, leads to aggression, disturbs work or relationships." When anger becomes problem, the person needs to learn healthy and mature ways of expression. Otherwise, problematic anger can lead to abuse. Below are tips to help people distinguish anger from abuse. The key lies in the fact abuse is a form of controlling another person's life. Anger seeks to resolve a conflict and teach appropriate behavior to children wherever discipline is needed. Part 2 offers tips on recognizing anger and abuse, sources and where to seek help in the local Denver-Boulder area for the abused victim.
RECOGNIZING ANGER::
1. Correct a wrong-doing. Show the offender that a particular type of behavior is inappropriate. Kids learn to respect their parents by not talking back rudely. Tell the offender that you will not tolerate a particular behavior that humiliates or shows disrespect for yourself.
2. Maintain your healthy relationship. Address the interpersonal problems that caused you to get angry. Communicate when you're not furious, venting, or yelling. Be tactful in your expression using "I feel" instead of "You are," or "You did". I feel addresses the situation without attacking the person. "You are or You did" criticizes and places blame on the person that may not address the core of the situation. It also promotes lowering of self-esteem and self-respect.
3. Demonstrate healthy personal power by ensuring angry triggers do not happen again. Talk with the person about how to prevent future occurrences.
4. Do not hold a list of past hurts over a person's head when another conflict arises. Settle the situation such as using "I feel" to keep from getting defensive and polarized towards one another. Address the situation fully for an agreed upon "win-win" rather then "I win and you lose totally." Do not hang onto the hurt and learn to forgive yourself and the other person.
5. Let the conflict go, don't hold a grudge. Try not to bring other frustrations and annoyances into an argument that have nothing to do with the person you're arguing with or the situation you're arguing over. Own behavior that is truly yours rather then thinking it is all your partner's behavior. If something is your fault, own it.
6. Refuse to blame, name call and criticize. Negative criticism erodes a person's self-integrity, dignity and self-esteem. Name calling shows lack of respect for one's you love. Blame, no matter whom may be a fault, avoids addressing the core of a situation in order to find a positive resolution. Blame only increases the hurt of the people arguing.
7. When particularly frustrated or angry, find ways of cooling off such as through music, exercise, meditation, prayer, watching humorous sitcoms, taking a walk, or whatever relaxes you if you do not calm down right away to talk.
8. If anger becomes a problem, seek help from your church minister, at your local temple, or from a trusted friend. Read a book on how to express healthy anger and if available, take an anger management class.
RECOGNIZING ABUSE : (Verbal abuse is addressed here because it is more common then physical abuse, though something about physical abuse will be addressed as well.)
1. Abuse is always about controlling another person's life or actions to suit the abuser. This can be done in a number of ways from disguised jokes, cold voice, raging voice, threats and physical violence such as punching, kicking, hitting, slapping, pinning or throwing against the wall, bruising that can be seen or unseen and breaking bones.
2. Verbal abuse attacks the nature and abilities of the partner or child. "You're always a stupid idiot who can do nothing right!"
3. Sudden and unexpected blow-ups or raging outbursts deliberately provokes fear in the partner or child. It stuns, shocks, and throws the partner or child off-balance.
4. Overt name calling, accusations and blame confuse the partner and leaves them wondering what they have done wrong. Self-esteem diminishes. The partner or child may consciously or unconsciously try to change their behavior to please the abuser, but this will never work because the abuser is always dominating, manipulating and controlling the others behavior.
5. The abuser constantly withholds feelings and information to avoid intimacy in marriage and empathy. The partner is never listened to because the abuser denies the partner's or child's experience leaving him or her isolated.
6. An abuser discounts and denies the partner's experience. This denies the reality of the partner, is extremely destructive and distorts the partner's or child's perception of abuse. They may think to be discounted is normal.
7. The abuser sees the partner or child as an adversary. They counter everything he or she does or says. "How DARE he or she have a different view from mine!"
8. Cool indifference, sarcasm and negative joking throws the partner or child off guard and erodes balance. The partner or child may wonder if he or she is going crazy.
9. Refusing to communicate through blocking and diverting the partner's attention ensures the abuser can dominate. The abuser only establishes what can and can not be discussed and always wins concerning any conflicts that may arise. The partner or child may lose their own voice in ability to stand up and express themselves wisely and appropriately.
10. Having the abuser consistently forget anything happened avoids child or partner confrontation. Threats bring up the biggest fears, criticizing is negative comments about about a partner's weight, figure or sexuality. Blaming is always the partner's fault and not the abuser's. Name calling is a negative label on the person, a liar, hypocrite, stupid, etc.
No-one deserves to be in an abusive relationship. It is not about love. It is about control and threatening to self-destroy or destroy another person's life. It takes a lot of courage for abused wives to leave their abusive husbands, but there is a way out. If in the Denver or Boulder area call, "Domestic Violence Hotline": 1-800-799-7233. If you know for sure a child is being abused call, "Child Abuse and Neglect": 1-800-442-4453 for investigation and intervention.
For more information visit; www.drirene.com
www.verbalabuse.com/faq.html
www.health.howstuffworks.com/human-nature/emotion/other/anger.htm
www.suite101.com
www.counselcareconnection.org
Books: Patricia Evans; The Verbally Abusive Relationship
George Bach and Ronald Deutsch; Stop! You're Driving Me Crazy
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